Category: Let's talk
Ok for all you blindies here is the question. You find a partner who you think is worthy of dating. You have been together for one week when you introduce your new partner to your friends. Your noncommital friends exchange plesentries with your new partner, and when they get you by yourself, they tell you that your new partner is not as good looking as the hunchback of notra dom, but their close. Your family and other friends ecco the same sentamints. Do you dump your new partner, or ask them to undergo plastic surgery? Before anyone asks, this is just a question, nothing more and nothing else. I have a beautyful partner, and I know that I have one even before everyone else said so. So with that said, take em or leave em?
<grin> df, yeah, you better not be talking about your current partner, that would result in some issues to say the least.
If we are going only on looks and nothing else, no, I don't think your friends/family should influence your choice. However I think if a friend or family member of yours does not like your partner and can explain to you why this is the case you should at least consider the arguments.
Sometimes your friends detect issues that you either didn't realize yourself or refused to recognize. I do speak from personal experience. Of course you don't go blindly *pardon the pun* on their comments alone and have them practically decide on the future with you and your partner but, by the same token, you should not just write them off as trying to hurt you. If they truly care they wouldhave a good reason for bringing up their dislike or issue with your partner.
Cheers
-B
No i wouldn't dump a partner because my friends/family said he wasn't good looking, and to be honest I wouldn't necessarily take notice if a member of my family or a friend had a different issue with said partner. Remember love is blind, invariably we don't see the bad bits until the relationship is past the honeymoon stage, I think that when getting into a new relationship it's important to be able to make up your own mind and to trust your own judgment on a potential partner, and that unless your friend had seen said partner picking up prostitutes in the local red light district or had seen them on a photofit on crime watch, it's really not any of their business what kind of partner you choose.
Good God! Plastic surgery? No, I would not ask a partner to have plastic surgery. How shallow! Having said that, I do admit that when I had vision I was more concerned about the looks of the men I dated, although I never let looks rule my decisions about whom to date. But now that I can't see, looks matter even less to me. If friends and family told me that he was extremely ugly, I'd tell them that looks don't matter and ask them to refrain from harping on his looks. If they did not refrain from commening on his looks, I would be more likely to drop the friend than the partner. Regarding what Wildebrew brought up and the friends and family let me know of other issues they feel are imporrtant, I'd take their concerns under consideration but would again ask them to respect my intelligence and judgement enough to figure out what might be wrong with the relationship on my own. I would again ask them not to harp on these issues. But, I have to admit, if they brought up a lot of issues, I would certainly be a bit cautious about getting deep into that relationship until I was completely satisfied that my partner was the right man for me. I would thank my friends/family for their concern, but if I was not concerned about the issues they brought up, I would ask them to mind their own business.
Wow, I wasn't serious about plastic surgery. You would drop your friend that you've had over someone you just met? How interesting. It's like this. I was sitting with one of my room mates when he told me about a friend he had who dumped a girl because his family made fun of a wart she had on the corner of her mouth. So I said to my room mate, lets say you had two girls that liked you. One was drop dead pretty and the other was so so according to your friends. The one that treated you the best was also the so so one. The one that was just beautyful treated you poorly but made you the envey of your friends. Which would you choose. That question got me to thinking ae blind people as judge mental? I read another post from someone who said they would only date sighted people. They got a bad rap for their preferance. Even though their reasons were valid to them. That brought the question of When do we say to heck with what others think, and I like what I like. All that wrapped up brings this question that I started this post with. With all these internet relationships in the blind community cropping up, isn't it a wonder that sometimes two people meet and when they do, one person looks nothing like they were supposed to. Is it that inportant to blindies who value the way they look as one of the few things they have control over that their partner look just as good? Lets face it, the hunch back was the nicest gentelman you'd find but who's gonna date him?
If you were talking to me, DF, I wouldn't necessarily drop an old friend before dropping a man I had just met. I would only consider dropping a friend if I was seriously in love with a man and was sure he was "the right one" for me and the friend wouldn't stop putting him down either because of his looks or because of some perceived issues that my friend had with him.
Um, I can say I have dated some pretty hideous dudes ... LOL. Yes, I got crap from both my family and sighted friends about it, too. One of my friends made a comment once about my tendency to pick up scruffy strays. Hehehe! Needless to say, I never paid them any mind because I continued with the relationship anyway. I think now, though, if one of my friends or family members started making comments about someone I was interested in, I wouldn't care about the "hunchback of Notre Dame" references, as you so kindly put it, as much as I would the other comments about his attitude toward other people and blah blah blah. You know, things I might not pick up on my own because I'm too blinded by love. Now, whether or not I would act is a different story. I've had people tell me any number of things, have even admitted to myself that they're right, but I just kept with it. Anyway, there you have it. My rambling for the evening.
I think i Agree with b on this score, i think that if the people around you really love you they wouldn't hack on your latest partner on account of his looks. i'd hope however that they would make sure they told you if they had some concerns of a realistic nature.
When you first meet someone you really want to do anything to make things work, so often you need someone to be the devils advocate as it were.
that being said, being the devils advocate isn't always easy.
I think I would drop someone who looked totally different from what she told me and I'd discover that on our first meeting or from a picture. If a person starts misrepresenting his/her looks you wonder what other things are being left out of the equation.
I guess the friends issue also has to do with the kinds of friends you have and the nature of the comment. I think if it's a close friend who you know is not shallow and is sincerely your friend and has your happiness and well being at heart it's someone whose advice I wouldn't take lightly. A lot of relationships are temporary, let's face it, but friends can be forever. You better make really sure "that's the one" before you start rejecting your friends over said person and if thatperson really is the one he/she would not encourage you to drop your friendships either.
Well, when you bring lying into the equation ... I'd just leave 'em.
I agree that sometimes it's good to listen to what your friends say about someone, but most of my friends know perfectly well I pretty much could care less about physical beauty. Honestly I don't usually even form pictures in my mind of people; it's just not something I do. If one of my friends kept making comments about someone I was dating, and just about their physical attributes, I think I'd seriously have to reconsider my friendship with that friend. I suppose that's somwhat of a repeat of what others have said, but there's my view on it. :)
For me, I think family and especially friends opinion would come into play and could lead me to dumping her, but it would depend on how I feel about her, how long the relationship's been going on, etc. Anyways, I have an alternative question, sorry to coopt this thread, but perhaps it will restart the discussion. Do you, or other blind people you know, have a racial "fetish"? Being an Asian guy and hanging out with a lot of Asians, I tend to see a lot of white guys going after Asian girls (ie "yellow fever"). Of course that's just one example and it exists for almost every race....So is this something anyone has come across amongst the blind? Any funny incidents (sort of like the Chappelle sketch) where you or a friend mistook the race of the person you/they were involved with?
outlook is the first impression of all but still it is not the most important thing. if he / she go for a plustic surgery, it isn't the origine she or he anymore.
Certainly to both of the questions I'd hate to be so shallow.
hmmmm, to the second question i don't think that i've encountered any kind of racial favouritism or anything.`
certainly not Imeant to say feck wake up Alex!
It would take me ten seconds to tell the friend to fuck off. I wouldn't have the gaul to tell a friend that the person they were dating
sounded like a bullfrog, and I would expect the same respect from my friends.
Bob